What do we really mean by listening?
By Charlie Jones and Brigid Russell
It’s that moment when a child is trying to tell you about something they’ve invented, and you stop in your tracks, put the mobile down, and really tune in with all of your heart for a few precious moments. It’s the gentle undivided attention you give a colleague over a cup of tea who just needs you to be present, to hear how tough their last shift was and not to offer advice or pity. It’s that sense of freedom to express yourself when you know someone’s really taking in what you’re saying.
We don’t need to be given a formal definition of listening to understand it, do we? And do we really need to be ‘trained’ how to listen? We already know how to listen, and we know how incredibly moving it can feel to be deeply listened to in return.
So why don’t we listen more often then? Not because we don’t know how to do it. Maybe because sometimes we ‘forget’ the value of it in a moment, or we take it for granted as ‘a given’, or maybe we get distracted by lots of stuff. Maybe because it can be bloody hard to do it deeply and genuinely. Maybe sometimes we think we don’t have the time. Maybe (deep down) we are fearful in some way about what we might hear, and how it will make us feel?
What does listening really mean to each of us? And why do we think it’s so very important?
Appreciating all the spaces and connections
Since May 2020 we have been involved in 200 ‘spaces for listening’, each comprising the two of us and six people who chose to participate in a one-off session held over Zoom. [1] That’s well over 1,000 people from many different places in the UK, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, Portugal, India, USA, and Canada. We only set out to try it for a little while, and here we are still finding so much energy in all the listening and the connecting.
A growing number of the people who have experienced these spaces have gone on to use the approach informally, in local teams, groups, across organisations and networks — primarily in health and care, and the third sector. Not as part of a top-down ‘culture change’ initiative, but rather as a self-managed and organic approach to providing peer to peer supportive spaces. So that’s a lot of people creating spaces for listening with and for each other.
“Genuine time out from the chaos of everything. It’s actually quite exhilarating to stop, to listen, to be heard.”
Anthony Morrow, Sanctuary Housing
We’re so grateful to all of the people who’ve taken this approach to heart, made it come to life, and are using it consistently and sustainably. And so it feels right to include in this blog the words of some of those people who have experienced #SpacesForListening [2] about what listening means to them. This blog is a moment to pause, give thanks, and take note of all that listening.
Spaces for listening, letting go, and connecting
“For me, listening is about losing my sense of what I ‘think’ to be true, then rediscovering it again and again. This isn’t just what I hear, it’s physical. The light in someone’s eyes. A fire in my heart. The quiet sense of belonging when someone articulates what I never could. A dance inside silence, between this and that, until new connections and perceptions emerge.
Spaces for Listening taught me this; to sit with it all, be it confusion, joy, shame, love, pain and/or gratitude. To let it in and let it out. To get the chance to stare life, and what it means to be human, in the face for 50 powerful minutes and come out feeling humbled, seen & free.”
Mari-Claire Kay, Sonder @SonderConnects
When we started out we had a strong sense that we all need a bit more space for listening, an equality of listening time to speak about what matters to us, and to be listened to without interruption. We had no idea then how long we might be involved in #SpacesForListening. What we have found over the last 20 months is that there are many people who find it simply and deeply helpful to have a lightly structured space to listen, and be heard.
Maybe we have always needed this space. But we certainly need it now, in the middle of the unrelenting pressure of the pandemic on our work and home lives. We are all living with and through our own personal kind of loss, grief, uncertainty, and pain. And we need somewhere to pause, and understand more about what we’re all going through.
Working ever harder to ‘get back to normal’ feels neither possible nor desirable. Rushing on by is not the answer, but neither is trying to keep it all safely boxed in. There is a place for formal support, of course. However, our experience across 200 #SpacesForListening is that there is a lot we can do with each other by being alongside, held in a simple and lightly structured space. In our view there is a place, and much need, for (just) listening to each other.
“Over recent years I have come to realise just how important being listened to is, especially when we are going through difficult times. Spaces for Listening is so rich with space held for one another, people bearing witness to one another in a very powerful way. When I participate, I feel powerfully heard and that is so healing and comforting. I also know that I am carefully listening to others and offering the same to them. It’s nothing short of beautiful.”
Lucy Davies, Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital NHS Trust
That doesn’t mean that we need to be given lots of content, tools, and top tips on ‘listening skills’. The content is there — it’s in our lives, loves, and work together; it’s in our not-knowing, our wondering, our openness to make some sense. What we need is the space to pause, to notice and feel what’s happening, to listen to ourselves and each other. Maybe that’s a space which feels still and quiet. And sometimes it’s a place where we feel able to laugh and cry alongside each other, feel the support, the affirmation, the common humanity of being with each other.
Being ourselves and connecting to our shared humanity
Time and time again people say that they feel calmer after experiencing #SpacesForListening. It doesn’t provide easy fixes and solutions, not least because there aren’t any. What it does give us is the space and time to understand a little more about what each of us is experiencing. To feel our commonalities, and appreciate our differences.
“So what does listening really mean to me? Really listening means making space to truly be in a moment with others, to find a place of stillness to connect and allow yourself just to be. Without judgement or expectation. This is what I have experienced through Spaces for Listening. It gives you permission to just be, as you are, with each other. To take care of yourself a little bit more than what you would normally allow yourself to do. To breathe.”
Claire Longmuir, Simon Community Scotland
When we really listen to each other, without the need to jump in and offer a solution, we find out so much more about ourselves and each other. Of course, listening alone is not the answer to all of the challenges we are facing. But listening to understand each other more deeply, to empathise and to connect across our differences, surely plays a fundamental part in finding collective ways through?
We have experienced an incredible and humbling generosity of spirit across all of these #SpacesForListening. People who have been prepared to take a risk, trust enough in the space with ‘strangers’, to listen to each other’s stories. To pause with curiosity and kindness to understand a little more about each other’s lives.
In our own words
Those people who have come to #SpacesForListening will know something of the personal experiences that we both continue to live with and through. We’d like to end this blog with a personal thanks to you all.
#SpacesForListening has become a regular fixture in our diaries, something to look forward to, something to anchor the week. We don’t really have a sense of where this is heading, or any kind of ‘strategy’ for scale or spread. It’s far more personal, more relational, than that.
We love how so much imagery gets conjured up between us in the spaces. The image of weaving a rich tapestry comes to mind — with all its beauty, knotty imperfections, and fraying edges. So many people, each of us connecting up our threads of many different colours and textures, through listening and bearing witness to each other. Becoming stronger, more vibrant, through weaving together those connections.
It feels right to close the blog with words crafted by another of the friends we have made along the way. And to invite openly others who have experienced #SpacesForListening to share your reflections on what really listening means to you.
“I’ve taken part in around 8 Spaces for Listening over the past two years, thanks to the recommendation of a colleague. It’s hard to sum up the value of these in a short quote, so I’ve tried to describe my experience in the poem which follows...”
Hayley Lever, GreaterSport & GM Moving
Spaces for Listening
Rushing around. Spinning. Juggling.
Then
Stopping. Landing. Being welcomed.
Invited in.
Feeling warmth. Generosity.
Kindness.
Settling into a different space.
We start.
I listen. I hear. I absorb.
I am struck by others’ words
I relate. I connect. I breathe deeply.
Then it’s my turn.
How am I? and What’s on my mind?
I stop in my thought tracks.
Look out, up and inside.
Curious.
I let myself reach inside.
Deeper than what was immediate.
And let words come to the surface.
I wonder…
When did I last ask myself that?
And really listen to my heart, mind and spirit?
So I slow down and connect to myself.
Then I talk and share.
I surprise myself,
With some of my words, thoughts and emotions
Ones I didn’t know were there,
Just below the surface.
And round we go.
Listening. Understanding. Reflecting.
Connecting. Building.
Then we ask…
What resonates?
What will we take away?
When we leave this space.
SO much.
Always so much.
Peace. Calm. Perspective.
Gratitude. Energy. Understanding.
Of others, and of myself.
As we journey,
Seeing ourselves reflected in
and connected with, total strangers.
Sharing the experience of being human.
All experiencing life.
With all its pain and its joy
With all its challenge and its glory.
It’s simple really.
We just need space to listen.
To hear our own voices.
And to be heard.
[1] For an outline of the #SpacesForListening approach see our blog Spaces for Listening (November 2020).
[2] See #SpacesForListening on Twitter for more of the range of people’s experiences in their own words.
If you’d like to share your experiences of #SpacesForListening with us, or you are interested in experiencing it, please get in touch on Twitter where we can be found as @charlie_psych and @brigidrussell51
