Listening in practice, in the spaces in between

by Charlie Jones & Brigid Russell

There is a lot of talk about kindness, but living with an intention to be kind is not straightforward.

We’re not talking here about easy, random, and occasional acts of kindness. We mean relational kindness[i] which is about being open and honest with each other, listening deeply with an intention to understand, and responding with clarity. As Brené Brown says: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”[ii] And, we also mean radical kindness which is about facing up squarely to the changes required for ‘the greater good’, not sticking with how things have always been done because it feels easier, and being prepared to explore power and areas of disagreement by getting past our fear of causing offence.

If we’re really honest, this is hard and sometimes messy. Can we be honest?

It has often been said during the pandemic that kindness needs to start with being kind to self (the common analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask first). What we notice is how hard many of us find this notion, for multiple possible reasons. Maybe, when we are able to relate to each other and connect meaningfully, we are being kind to ourselves too? And this kind of connection happens when we are able to listen to each other, and feel seen and heard ourselves.

Where and how to start?

Listening is fundamental to kindness. How we listen to each other, and to ourselves, how we hear and understand what is going on for each of us. But let’s not talk about listening, and consign it to a box labelled “listening skills”. Let’s pull on our wellies, and stand in each other’s puddles.

Our experience through #SpacesForListening[iii] over the past year has reinforced our belief that when we really listen to one another without interruption we can connect and see each other as people. We each have our stories and life experiences — a real jumble of joyful, loving, desperate, and very tough. And this feels affirming and restorative.

The light structure keeps #SpacesForListening simple, and enables us to share without complicating or professionalising our interactions. It creates enough safety and enough trust. We are able to realise both how much we have in common, as well as hear our differences. We meet each other where we are, not where we think we should be. There are no intentions, other than to listen, and to share what feels comfortable. And this is why we prefer to experience #SpacesForListening with others, rather than talk in formal presentations about it. It is a living, breathing experience of being human together, rather than a formal tool to be described neatly on a PowerPoint slide. We’d rather say “have a go”, have this simple experience of listening and being heard, see what you think of it for yourself, and how deeply you feel it.

And, the impact of #SpacesForListening continues beyond these initial interactions. Just as the real and lasting impact of coaching or therapy happens in our ongoing reflections, and what we feel able to put into practice in our day to day lives and relationships, beyond the actual session. This is not about technique or the facilitated session itself. Rather it is about what it enables and unleashes in all of us. The music happens in “the space between the notes”, as Claude Debussy is reputed to have said.

Having had an experience that feels different, having felt heard, we may start to notice our usual conversations differently. We notice the temptation to interrupt, to fix. We notice how we present with our ‘role’ facades, we notice each other in new ways. We start to listen to our colleagues, as well as friends and family members, with more attention. We pause for longer, listen more deeply, and trust that the other person most likely does not need us to jump in with a ‘fix’. We feel better because we have helped simply by listening for longer; the other person feels better because they have felt seen and heard. Creating the space between us for listening is an essential foundation for open and caring relationships. Relational kindness in action.

There is much talk about ‘not going back’, about challenging our systems so that we are better able to tackle deep-seated inequities. We need to have frank and open conversations with each other, face up to what is not working, and what needs to change. It means being bold, and open. And it means being prepared to seek out, listen, and understand both our commonalities and our differences. And that means finding some different ways of being together.

In #SpacesForListening we bring ourselves, not our job titles and positions in a hierarchy. We choose to share how we are feeling, what’s on our minds. It is an unedited space, a space to be human. And in the context of the pandemic, as Julia Unwin[iv] has recently written so compellingly, we surely need places where we are all able to express and share our feelings. Our feelings of grief and loss, of confusion, fear of uncertainty, anger and frustration, as well as of hope and possibility. We need to be able to hear the energy and the hurt in each other’s feelings, and not to judge them.

And what next?

Being in #SpacesForListening is not the answer in itself. Though what it enables is an experience of our individual readiness and collective capacity to sit alongside each other, to understand our commonalities, and to value our differences without becoming so defensive or frightened of what that might mean. It enables us to be with each other as people, to bring more of ourselves, so that we can build more real and robust relationships — and so that we can feel more prepared to be open, to share our ideas, to be in full and frank conversation with each other.

“Before there were meetings, planning processes, or any other techniques, there was conversation — people sitting around interested in each other, talking together. When we think about beginning a conversation, we can take courage from the fact that this is a process we all know how to do. We are reawakening an ancient practice, a way of being together that all humans remember”. Margaret Wheatley [v]

[i] The concepts of ‘relational’ and ‘radical’ kindness are outlined in the research and practice undertaken by the Carnegie UK Trust around kindness. See several reports on kindness in communities on the Carnegie UK Trust website.

[ii] Brené Brown (2018) Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. Blog

[iii] See more about #SpacesForListening — the approach and experiences in practice - in the blog by Charlie Jones & Brigid Russell (November 2020) Spaces for Listening.

[iv] Julia Unwin (31st January 2021) If I hear one more leader talk about recovery (without mentioning emotions) I shall scream… Blog

[v] Margaret Wheatley (2009) Turning to One Another: simple conversations to restore hope to the future, Berrett-Koehler, p.28